Kfly and the Infinite Awesomeness

So I got hit on whilst shopping today.It was not my typical experience. In other words I actually found this girl delightful- she was charming and pretty. Cute even. It happened at GNC, which initially confused me but perhaps in addition to the chiseled body everyone shopping there flaunts I was able to complement it with almost 90% of a biology/chemistry degree which set her wheels in motion. Maybe I was just so naive I was funny- who is this guy handsome and ripped yet so uneducated about our line of products? What was going through her head- those muscles cannot be natural, can they? does he look like a juicer? Common questions I'm faced with from the feminine persuasion. Anyway, on with the tale.

While our romance was short it was nothing short of stellar- the 8 minutes I spent in her eyes transformed me into a vastly different man. It all started with protein powder and before long I was purchasing papaya flavored chewable digestive tabs. She let me open a bottle and taste them ('the store can use it as a sample') and I was hooked. Tasting like candy, their enzymatic properties fueled a fire in my belly and I knew I was in love. As I attempted to seal the deal she noticed the name, or should I say names, on my credit card. Normally I feel like God does not slap with both hands however I am a clear exception for I radiate beauty as well as a wealth of knowledge cultivated in a way only UPS can. 'Kyle? That's one of my favorite names', she said. (Holla!). 'And what is your last name? EiDsNess?' I told her the correct pronunciation to which she responded that I had perhaps the most intriguing name she had ever encountered- she'd never met another Eidsness before. After telling me her name, Sarah Lane, she told me it was so boring and plain. Thinking quickly on my feet I responded that sometimes the prettiest things are those we see every day and take for granted. She was loving me- no, really. She said that what I had said was provocative and inspiring, for all her life she had suffered as just 1 of millions of 'Sarah Lanes' in this world. Thanks to me the daily stress of living with a shared identify had been lifted from her petite shoulders.

Perhaps this is an ideal time to describe her beauty. Despite working at GNC she was not a man-sized man-hating man-eating whore of a butch women. Au contraire, she was of medium height and enough of an athletic build to let me know she was strong enough to haul groceries or dishes without crumbling. Her breasts were supple and longed for attention, judging by the low-cut red shirt she wore. Some day, I thought to myself. I'll save you from the boorish details of our nutrition and biologically fueled conversation but suffice it to say it was sex. However, over the discourse of our oral intercourse 2 new customers had arrived and were anxiously awaiting the attention I was receiving from Sarah. I told her I should probably get going. I'll never forget her final words- thanks for coming in today, Kyle, come back again soon.

As I left the only thing I could think about was Fat Joe. More specially. the words from his edited 'hit' single, 'I'm not a player I just crush a lot'. Truer words were never rapped.

Actually, as I try to remember the most intimate and intricate of details from our serendipitous meeting I cannot recall if her name had an 'h' on the end or not. Oh well.